Compersion: Definition, examples, and impact

Reviewed by Robert Bogenberger, PhD

Written by

therapist.com team

Last updated: 10/21/2024

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What is compersion?

Compersion is the feeling of taking joy or happiness in the joy or happiness of others. It’s mostly used in the context of ethically nonmonogamous (ENM) relationships. In ENM relationships, compersion specifically refers to the experience of finding pleasure or satisfaction in your partner’s relationship with someone else. For ENM relationships to flourish, partners must be willing to support each other’s connections with others.

Compersion vs. sympathetic joy

Compersion isn’t technically exclusive to romantic relationships, or to relationships at all. While it’s most commonly discussed in the context of romantic and sexual relationships, it can also apply to any relationship or situation where someone feels joy from seeing another person happy.

When compersion is experienced in non-romantic relationships or situations, a more typical term to describe it is “sympathetic joy.” Sympathetic joy is related to compersion, but broader in scope.¹ It simply involves feeling happiness for others’ successes and positive experiences. The concept has a long history, reaching back to Buddhist philosophy in which it’s considered one of the four sublime states of mind.

Compersion vs. jealousy

When a person shows romantic interest in someone other than their partner, it’s natural to expect to feel jealous due to the perceived threat to the relationship.² But while jealousy can stem from feelings of insecurity, fear, or possessiveness, compersion is rooted in empathy and a genuine desire for your partner’s happiness.

Compersion is often described as the “opposite of jealousy.” Research shows that people can have both positive and negative reactions to their partner’s romantic interests outside the relationship at the same time.³ This suggests that compersion and jealousy, while opposites, can coexist.

Can you experience compersion in a monogamous relationship?

While compersion is most often associated with ENM relationships, it can also be experienced in monogamous partnerships.

In a study of polyamorous and monogamous people, researchers explored how they expected to feel if their partner had romantic interests outside their relationship. People who had experience with a partner having other romantic interests tended to predict more compersion and less jealousy. Interestingly, this was especially true among monogamous partners.⁴

Examples of compersion

In a polyamorous relationship involving three people, one partner feels a sense of genuine happiness and contentment when they see their two partners cuddling on the couch. They appreciate the strong bond forming between the other two. They feel that their connection strengthens the overall dynamic of the three-person unit.

In a friendship, a woman feels excited and proud when her best friend gets a promotion at work. She celebrates her friend’s success without any trace of envy, genuinely happy for her accomplishment.

In an open marriage, a husband experiences joy when his wife returns from a date looking happy and rejuvenated. He’s glad she had a positive experience and feels grateful that his wife has multiple people who bring her joy.

In a monogamous relationship, a man finds it cute that his partner has a crush on a Hollywood celebrity. When a new movie comes out starring that celebrity, he encourages his partner to go see it with friends. He’s genuinely happy that his partner will enjoy the experience.

Compersion psychology

It’s perfectly natural to not feel happy about the idea of your partner having romantic or sexual experiences with others. It doesn’t mean you’re selfish or insecure. It’s a natural response likely rooted in evolutionary psychology.

Humans have developed attachment behaviors to ensure pair bonding and meet other evolutionary needs.⁵ These behaviors laid the framework for how we’ve come to understand and participate in relationships as humans. But compersion challenges these instincts by encouraging a more expansive view of love and relationships.

Recent research suggests three main themes that affect whether you’re likely to experience compersion:⁶

1. Your specific personality traits
2. The nature of your relationship with your partner
3. Your views on your partner’s other partner (their “metamour”)

A person is more likely to feel compersion if they have a strong sense of self-worth, are having their needs met in their relationship, communicate well with their partner, and like the metamour.

These findings align with existing research and suggest that certain psychological theories might explain compersion and how it can strengthen relationships. These include:⁷

• Broaden-and-build, which suggests that experiencing positive emotions can increase a person’s number of possible responses to a given situation.⁸ It also helps them build lasting personal resources, such as resilience.
• Self-expansion, which tells us that people include their relationships with others in how they define and understand themselves. ⁹ Exploring compersion may be a way of expanding one’s sense of self.
• Crossover, which explores how emotions can transfer between people, suggesting that one partner’s happiness can positively influence the other’s emotional state.¹⁰ 

How compersion impacts relationships

Compersion is linked to greater relationship satisfaction, while jealousy and mixed feelings are not.¹¹ It encourages a mindset of abundance rather than scarcity in relationships, which may foster a more supportive and understanding dynamic. This can lead to improved communication and increased trust between partners.

People in polyamorous relationships generally feel less jealousy and more compersion than people in monogamous relationships.¹² Real-life experiences with a partner having other romantic interests can help boost feelings of compersion while combatting feelings of jealousy, even in monogamous relationships.

Challenges with compersion

Compersion can be beneficial for some people, but it’s not always easy to achieve. Some of the biggest obstacles to experiencing it include:

• Personal feelings of insecurity or fear of loss when confronted with a partner’s connections outside the relationship.
• Societal and cultural norms that emphasize exclusivity in romantic relationships.
• Lack of experience with non-traditional relationship structures.
• Comparison and competition with other partners.

How to cultivate compersion

Cultivating compersion takes practice, especially if you’re prone to experiencing negative emotions like jealousy and insecurity. But if you’re interested in building it, there are some strategies that can help:

Explore the reasoning behind your emotions. Take time to examine your emotions and identify any underlying insecurities or fears. Understanding the root causes of negative feelings can help you address them more effectively.

Practice gratitude for your relationship. Focus on the positive aspects of your partnership and the joy your partner brings to your life. This can help shift your perspective towards abundance rather than scarcity.

Practice empathy and perspective-taking. Try to see situations from your partner’s point of view and understand their feelings and experiences. This can help you connect with their joy and happiness more easily.

Communicate openly with your partner. Share your feelings, both positive and negative, and work together to build trust and understanding. Honest communication can strengthen your bond and make it easier to experience compersion.

Identify and set boundaries about what you are and aren’t comfortable with. It’s important that both you and partner feel safe and respected. Open communication about limits and expectations can help prevent misunderstandings and foster trust.

Commit to a personal development plan. Developing a strong sense of self-worth can help reduce feelings of insecurity and jealousy, making it easier to experience compersion. Engage in activities that boost your self-esteem and reinforce your value.

Challenge negative thoughts. When you notice jealous or insecure thoughts, try to reframe them in a more positive light. For example, instead of thinking “My partner’s happiness with someone else means they love me less,” try “My partner has space to care about more than one person.”

Consider seeking support from a therapist or relationship coach. They can provide guidance and strategies tailored to your specific situation. They can help you work through any underlying issues and determine if a non-traditional relationship structure will work for you. Visit our directory to find a licensed therapist in your area.