Weaponized incompetence: Meaning, signs, and impact
Reviewed by Robert Bogenberger, PhD
Written by
therapist.com teamLast updated: 07/23/2024
What is weaponized incompetence?
Weaponized incompetence, also called strategic incompetence, is a behavior that involves pretending to be incapable of performing a specific task (or doing it poorly on purpose) to avoid having to do it again in the future.
This manipulative tactic often causes others to feel they need to take over so things are done right, or at all. Over time, this repeated behavior creates an imbalance in relationships in which one person ends up doing an unfair amount of work.
Is weaponized incompetence abuse?
Weaponized incompetence involves manipulation and control, which makes it a form of psychological or emotional abuse. In addition to having to take on more responsibilities, the victim often must deal with difficult feelings such as frustration, resentment, and exhaustion.
Is weaponized incompetence a form of gaslighting?
Weaponized incompetence can be a form of gaslighting if it causes victims to question their own perceptions of reality. When someone falsely claims they’re incapable of performing a task and convinces others that this is genuinely true, they’re simultaneously gaslighting and using weaponized incompetence.
Over time, being on the receiving end of weaponized incompetence can make someone question their own expectations and judgment. They may begin to believe they are unreasonable or overly demanding. This fosters a sense of self-doubt and forces them to take on an unfair portion of tasks to make up for the perceived incompetence.
Signs of weaponized incompetence
Weaponized incompetence can be difficult to distinguish from genuine inability or lack of knowledge.1 It’s important to look for patterns and recurring behaviors as you try to identify it. Some of the most common signs include:
- Repeated mistakes in tasks the person should reasonably know how to do.
- Excessive need for help with seemingly simple tasks.
- Lack of effort to learn new skills or manage tasks.
- Frequent excuses for poor performance.
- No improvement after repeated, specific discussions.
Keep in mind that everyone occasionally struggles with tasks or forgets things. It’s normal for people excel at certain tasks and struggle with others. But when these actions become a consistent habit or default excuse for avoiding responsibility, it may be a sign of intentional manipulation.
If you think you might be dealing with weaponized incompetence, a mental health professional may be able to help. They can work with you to affirm your experiences and identify patterns.
Weaponized incompetence examples
Weaponized incompetence can manifest in various ways across different types of relationships and situations. The following examples illustrate how this behavior might appear.
Weaponized incompetence in relationships
Financial management: One partner might claim they’re “bad with numbers” or intentionally make mistakes when handling finances. This causes the other partner to feel they need to handle most of the budgeting, bill payments, and financial planning themselves.
Childcare responsibilities: A parent might pretend not to know how to change a diaper or feed the baby correctly. The other parent might then feel they need to handle all the childcare duties, creating an unequal distribution of parenting responsibilities.
Event planning: In a friendship or social group, one person might deliberately forget important details or make poor arrangements when planning events. Other friends in the group might feel the need to plan all arrangements themselves.
Weaponized incompetence in the workplace
Group projects: A team member might fail to complete their portion of a project, claiming they misunderstood what was asked of them. This results in others having to take on the bulk of the work. In this scenario, one person avoids contributing equally while still benefiting from the group’s efforts.
Technical tasks: An employee might claim they’re “not tech-savvy” to avoid learning new software or systems. Though they’re given training and many opportunities, they don’t put in actual effort to learn. As a result, colleagues end up having to take on more work in handling technology-related tasks.
Report writing: An employee might regularly produce poorly written reports with lots of errors even after being told how to improve them. This causes their colleagues or supervisors to rewrite or heavily edit the reports, essentially taking on the task themselves.
Weaponized incompetence in families
Household chores: A family member might intentionally perform tasks poorly, such as doing laundry incorrectly or “forgetting” to clean certain areas. Despite several conversations and reminders, they continue to make the same error every time they do the task. Other family members might feel like they have no choice but to take over these duties themselves.
Meal preparation: One family member might claim they’re a bad cook, forget to buy certain ingredients, or consistently burn food to avoid cooking responsibilities. This leads other family members to take on meal preparation duties to ensure everyone is fed properly.
Family events and milestones: A relative might make no effort to remember other family members’ birthdays, anniversaries, or other important dates. Another family member might feel like they need to take on the responsibility of remembering and organizing celebrations.
Weaponized incompetence: The psychology behind it
Weaponized incompetence has gained popularity in mainstream discourse over the past few years, but it isn’t a formal mental health diagnosis. There’s currently minimal official research on its underlying psychological motivations.
That said, people may use weaponized incompetence to avoid responsibility and divide workloads into unequal portions. This could be motivated by any number of psychological factors, including:
- Low self-esteem or lack of confidence
- Fear of failure or criticism
- Learned helplessness
- Desire to maintain control
- Ego protection
- Resistance to change or learning new skills
- Attention-seeking behavior
- Passive-aggressive tendencies
- Difficulty with emotional regulation or communication
- An underlying mental health condition, such as depression or anxiety
It’s important to recognize that some people who use weaponized incompetence may not be aware of how deeply their actions impact others. This type of behavior could easily stem from deeper issues and may require professional help from a therapist or counselor.
The impact of weaponized incompetence
Weaponized incompetence causes a victim to not only have to take on extra tasks but also manage their own frustrations, plan around the other person’s limitations, and often provide emotional support or reassurance to the person claiming incompetence.
This combination of practical and emotional burdens can result in:
- Increased resentment
- Decreased trust and respect
- Increased stress, anxiety, and risk of burnout
- Reduced intimacy and emotional connection
- Communication breakdown and conflicts
- Feeling undervalued or taken advantage of
- Loss of independence and free time
- Lowered self-esteem
- Potential end of the relationship
The person who engages in weaponized incompetence may also experience negative consequences, such as:
- Stunted personal growth and skill development
- Decreased self-confidence and self-reliance
- Missed opportunities for learning and advancement
- Damage to their reputation and relationships
- Increased dependence on others
- Feelings of guilt or shame when they recognize their behavior
How to deal with weaponized incompetence
If you think you may be dealing with someone who’s using weaponized incompetence to avoid completing tasks or taking responsibility, consider these strategies to address the situation.
Communicate openly. Express your concerns calmly and clearly, focusing on specific behaviors and their impact.
Set clear boundaries and expectations. Establish clear roles, responsibilities, and deadlines for tasks.
Don’t enable the behavior. Avoid taking on extra tasks unless absolutely necessary.
Provide support and resources. Offer guidance or tools that will help the person improve their skills and learn on their own.
Encourage accountability. Hold the person responsible for their actions and decisions.
Practice patience. Change takes time, so be patient and give someone a realistic amount of time to adapt.
Seek professional help. If the behavior continues, consider couples therapy, family therapy, or workplace counseling to address underlying issues.
If all else fails, be prepared to reassess the relationship or work arrangement. A therapist can help you navigate difficult decisions and develop strategies for moving forward. Visit our directory to find a qualified therapist in your area.
About the author
The editorial team at therapist.com works with the world’s leading clinical experts to bring you accessible, insightful information about mental health topics and trends.
